The Problem is Communication ....

The more I work with organizational dynamics, the more I hear that people target communication (or lack thereof) as the main issue within their organizations.

Is that true? We communicate all the time - it's just that we don't really know the effects of our communication.

Or maybe we don't communicate - we talk and vent and discuss and rant and whine and complain and plead and persuade but do we really communicate?

Communication: the imparting or interchange of thoughts, opinions, or information by speech, writing, or signs.

So that begs the definition of "interchange":

Interchange: a changing of places, as between two persons or things, or of one with another.

So, according to this definition, we actually have to put ourselves in the place of another in that exchange of thoughts, opinions or information.

Therein lies the rub.

How often, especially in a work setting, do we go to those lengths in our "communication"? To be the most effective in our communication, there must be an element of selflessness and that is very unusual for most people who have been conditioned in "CYA" management structure.

I've noticed recently that in order to feel I'm really engaged in a conversation - whether in a work setting or in a social setting - I must be willing to put myself into the conversation. I can't wait for another to provide the interchange; if I want to be an effective communicator, I have to start.

And the most powerful place I can start is by creating the proper listening space for the speaker to speak into.

Have you ever really thought about how important that space is to the speaker? Try it sometime. Don't listen when someone is talking to you and notice how frustrated he/she gets when trying to communicate with you. Then try it again by giving your full attention. See the difference?

So although on the surface the problem appears to be "communication," I think it's deeper than that and has more to do with intention and what I call the "why." If I'm clear about what I really want in my workplace, it will automatically dictate how I'm being in that situation. For many people the default way of being is victim or blaming or some other way that does not require their being responsible for the less-than-effective culture, which is just easier to call a "communication problem."And lots of times the distance is maintained by saying "THEY don't communicate around here."

I speak from experience in that situation: on both sides of the dilemma. In a previous job my title was communications coordinator and it was my duty to handle the external communications, including the newsletter and other correspondence with our publics, as well as our internal newsletter and our intranet. At one point I directed a company communications audit with an outside organization to analyze our communication. The outside company determined that our organization had one of the best communications plans in place that they had ever seen. We had all the right tools and channels to make sure we were communicating with people in many ways. Yet the phrase that prompted the audit in the first place came from an employee satisfaction survey: "We never know what's going on around here."

In hindsight now I can see that perhaps by maintaining my righteous attitude about offering all the communication channels possible to my constituents, I may have been actually impeding true communication efforts among those who desired the information transfer. Maybe it wasn't that they didn't have all the channels available, it was that they didn't feel heard or understood. We may have been communicating at them, not with them.

How often does it occur in our homes, workplaces, schools, churches, organizations and any other place people interact that people are talking but not communicating? And often people may have an inkling that they have a role in the effectiveness of that communication, but don't want to take responsibility for their part, so end up blaming the other, thus colluding against what they say they want.

So, what's the answer? I think it's to be aware that when we become clearer about what we don't want, it's actually a very big step in becoming more effective. As we notice our discomfort and can name it, we get closer to naming what it is we do want. As we can identify that, we can begin to realize that we maybe are focusing more on what's wrong than envisioning things the way we would like them to be.

This is most certainly a process, not an isolated aha event. But when we come together in our shared desires, that's when we can assist each other in achieving those goals.

So notice the communication gaps around you. What do you really want? The gaps or the understanding? What shows up around us is what we ARE, not what we WANT. Only when we stop wanting and start becoming can we alter the situation.

What's the Point?

I saw a Facebook note today with a picture of President Obama next to link for a blog post entitled "The Right Words; Why So Late?" I'm very interested in learning as much as I can about issues, so I clicked on the article.

My initial thought as I read the headline (and before I even read the story) was of a story I read in The Arbinger Group's Leadership and Self Deception about a mother who, when giving her son the keys to the car one evening, reminded him to be home on time, in this case, 10:30. In the story it says that her 17-year-old's tendency in the past had been to be late when he was told to be home on time, so she was expecting that from him this time, even though she told him to be on time.

This time, the son came in the door a few minutes early, announcing his arrival proudly. The mom, not sure what to do with this unexpected behavior, came up with the best response she could in the moment: "Well, you sure cut it close."

Each of the players in the story, the mom and the son, had his/her "job" in the communication, and they had become familiar with that role and thus were colluding against what they actually wanted, which, deep down, was a peaceful relationship. Even when the son broke the pattern by being home on time, the mother only knew her role as keeping the relationship confrontational.

So that's what I first thought of when I saw the title of that blog post. Although I felt a little bit of devisiveness in that article when I actually read it, it wasn't as glaring as I expected. I was a little disappointed in what seemed to me to be a partisan worldview from the author, who couldn't seem to send a compliment without an implied "I told you so."

And then I read some of the comments.

Holy cow.

I won't repeat the comments here, but suffice it to say that there was very little love and higher ground conversation there. I actually had a flashback to junior high. There the words used were spiteful, offensive and degnerated into personal attacks.

So instead of being upset at what is in the conversation I saw on that blog, I'm more committed than ever to true communication where both parties are actually heard and they engage in true dialogue: where previous assumptions are suspended and actual learning takes place.

What do you think? Is this typical of conversations that happen in the world? Is it easier to have these kinds of exchanges online where you don't actually see each other?

If you want to be part of bigger small talk, consider tuning in to Bigger Small Talk Radio, my show on Saturday mornings at 9 a.m. central. Tune in at AM1100 in Fargo or on www.am1100.tv anywhere in the world!

See with new eyes today

Everything (and everyone) you see is based on your past experience.

You know what a cup is because you've used it before; therefore you know what to expect from that cup. (You do the same thing with people in your life.)

Make an effort today to see everything (and everyone) with new eyes, regardless of your past experience.

(Hint: it's probably easier to do with a cup than with a person, but the results will be more remarkable to you with the person than with the cup! ;) )

Getting Unstuck

Thank God for plumbers!

You know, you never really think about the amazing work plumbers do until you really need them. And then, in your moment of desperation when the drain is clogged right before the party guests are to arrive, you will pay that sweet plumber whatever he asks to make sure the sink drains in time.

Have you ever considered what other things might be clogging the flow in your own life? Because, after all, our natural state is flow. Whenever ideas, inspiration, money, really anything, isn't flowing, it's because of some block we've put there - usually subconsciously - that keeps things from running smoothly.

Sometimes we just need a psychic plumber.

"Nothing limits achievement like small thinking; nothing expands possibilities like unleashed imagination." -William Arthur Ward

I know that's true for me. As a sole proprietor, it's easy to get caught up in the day-to-day busyness that sometimes keeps me from the actual business. I don't have any regular employees or co-workers, so there's not really anyone around to bounce ideas around with at a moment's notice. If I want that kind of interaction, I need to schedule it at a time that works into everyone's routines. Then it's a matter of recognizing that something is blocking the flow, whether or not I know what it is, and allowing my sounding board people to give me their feedback.

That's why it's imperative to me that I have a master mind group around me. My Saturday morning peeps really do act as my psychic plumber at times - and I know we all do that for each member when he/she needs a little boost (or a kick in the keester).

A master mind, according to Napoleon Hill, is the "third mind" that is created when like-minded people come together in a spirit of harmony to achieve a definite chief aim. That master mind can allow curiosity, imagination, innovation and action to be unleashed along with a sense of accountability to one's self and the group.

Feeling stuck? It may be time to create a master mind. You have an opportunity to study the principles of Think and Grow Rich (where the term "master mind" originated) beginning February 10 at Shortprinter in Fargo. See www.bocksoffice.com for more information.

Make this the year to honor your commitment to unticking your mind!

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

There is something about this final week of the year that both inspires and frustrates me.

It is the week between Christmas and the dawn of the new year when I can both see what I haven't accomplished over the past year, but am very inspired to try yet again with a brand new slate to take on in the new one.

I'm a huge advocate for personal accountability and self-awareness, but there are some times when it might be nice to just not know so much. Sometimes awareness is tough because there just are no more excuses when things don't turn out the way I had hoped.

But therein lies the key. I remember someone in one of my master mind groups a while back talking about a bumper sticker that said "My whole world changed for the better when I gave up hope."

Harsh? Maybe. But really, when you think about it, if we're only hoping something will change, but we're not taking action to create or allow it, isn't there an element of truth to that bumper sticker?

Jim Collins, in his book Good to Great, tells the story of Admiral Jim Stockdale and his experience as a prisoner of war in Vietnam.

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."  

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart." 

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

Collins called this perspective the Stockdale Paradox, and showed that the companies and individuals who achieve the greatest success, both inside and outside the work setting, were those who understood this principle.

At Bock's Office our tagline is Awareness + Artful Action = Transformation. We understand that until we are aware of something - and that could be anything from a new way of seeing a current situation to recognizing how our own behavior produces our current results - we have no real way of altering our action to produce a desired result. But awareness by itself does nothing until it is coupled with what we call "artful action": action that takes into account our own creativity based on the new insights gained from awareness. When we take consistent action toward our desired results based on our current and progressive awareness, over time we find our situations transformed.

The formula sounds simple enough. What we find during this journey into higher awareness and mastery is that there is always another mountain to climb. I really believe that is just the way it is. Yet I also know there are people out there who disparage that thought. I've had people tell me that I think too much. That I'm too driven. I find all those comparisons very interesting. I always want to ask, "compared to what?" 

The path to mastery is a process - a journey - not an event. As long as we have life and breath, we have a job to do and it is to live more fully self expressed. If we are not creating, we are disintegrating. There is no status quo.

Now that's not to say we don't have the opportunity to rest and reflect and enjoy and be grateful. In my mind those steps are just part of the journey. When we rest to reflect it's not the same as resting on our laurels (which, as trusty Wikipedia tells us is to rely entirely on long-past successes for continued fame or recognition).

I'm thinking there may be a distinction when living aware between our feelings and our emotions, which is a rather new concept for me in my own awareness. I used to believe they were one and the same, and both generated in the subconscious. I'm thinking lately, however, that there may even be levels to our subconscious awareness that can be separated by recognizing a feeling - which comes from a reaction - as distinguished from an emotion, which is more energetic (emotion: energy in motion).

If my feelings are driving me, I am bound to be reactive, as feelings are preceded by a thought which has been pre-programmed. Example: I had planned to take the day off to go golfing but I wake up to a thunderstorm. Thought -> "rain means wet, which means no golf." Feeling -> disappointment, sadness, frustration, upset.

In the same situation at a higher level of awareness, the thought would allow emotion (energy in motion) to come into play and I would have a broader spectrum of responses (instead of reactions) to guide the action I take.

So, what does all this philosophy have to do with this post, you may wonder. It's what happens to me at this time of year; the time when we reflect on what has been and create the future we want to live into.

What did you recognize about yourself over this past year? Did you see yourself becoming more of who you wanted to become? Are you recognizing patterns that are giving you valuable information you can use to discern the path you want to travel this next year? Are you more mindful of the information - and inspiration - you are getting along the way? Are you responding instead of reacting more often? Are you happier?

The bottom line when setting goals or resolutions or taking stock at the end of one year and the beginning of the new one is to choose joy in every situation. If we each grow in our own personal levels of awareness, and see each situation as information - in form, and inspiration - in spirit, we have so many more opportunities to be happy. We can be at cause in our lives instead of at effect.

So my New Year's Commitment for 2011 is to be as aware as I possibly can be to the information and inspiration that surrounds me, to develop my discernment muscles, and shorten the distance between my actions and my results so that I can take more productive action more quickly in order to produce the results that will bring me happiness and joy. The more aware I can become, the closer I will be to my Source and the more I will realize that I am not now, nor have I ever been, in this journey alone.

What is your 2011 New Year's Commitment?